Voice of an Angel

He falls asleep in my arms,

to me singing summer time.

In a low key - he finds comfort,

resting his head for some time.

"Voice of an Angel" - I put on the album,

and let Charlotte soothe him.

He awakes as I do not hum.

Looking at me, he remains calm.

Sitting in my arms

in deep contemplation,

of the face behind the voice.

Astounded and marvelled.

He remains still,

music makes him happy.

Note:I wrote this watching my bunny, Mambo listen to Charlotte Church for the very first time. Music makes him calm. He loves it. Wish I captured it on video.

London Underground

In the underground,

travelling is a culture.

Click clacks everywhere.

Walking in haste.

Ipod's playing crazily.

Timeless classics in hands,

and now even in ears.

Mother with child,

pushing a stroller-chair,

hoping someone friendly

would help them down the stairs.

Like a time-bomb, minutes go-by,

in the underground.

Any delay or standby,

has a frustrating effect.

Each train operating at the heart beat of another.

running,

like the blood running through our veins.

A single block can cause infinite problems.

Never have I seen such an amazing transporting system,

connecting us to every part of the city,

making travelling achievable,

creating new possibilities,

drawing out a brand new culture.

Now we can stay connected.

Her eyes

As I gently draw the purple curtains,

her deep set eyes open.

Blue as the evening sea,

and grey as a cloudy sky.

She looks and thoughts fill her mind.

Puzzled.

Curious.

In awe, she remains calm.

Two hearts

The sound of hearts beat.

Two hearts.

One fast - like a chugging train.

the other one faster - like a race horse.

The clock ticks,

at the labour ward.

Across the hall you hear,

the screams of a woman,

the constant military like encoragement,

and a baby cries,

crying as it awakes into a brand new world.

I see the look on her face,

fear slipping in,

flooding her mind with traumatic thoughts,

panicking - just a little.

Sudden pain steps in,

blocking out all worries,

and for a minute or so,

she can think of nothing else,

but the pain.

The pain - unbearable.

Every second influencing her,

to succumb to an anaesthetic drug.

Although against the idea,

she frees herself from the pain.

Epidural - the world's most useful drug.

Injecting its way into her body,

numbing her waist down,

easing the pain, almost immediately.

She sleeps...

dreaming of what is to come,

dreaming of meeting her baby for the first time.

Hearts beat.

Hours pass and slowly the pain returns,

this time bearable.

20 hours of pain, discomfort, nausea, anxiety, fear, and impatience...

Finally using every bit of energy in her,

she pushes in a hurry to meet her baby...

For a moment, both hearts stop beating.

One in unbelievable shock,

the other in awe at the sight of a brand new world.

Breaking this moment,

the baby cries...

Holding her baby in her arms for the first time,

she relaxes,

and baby's crying eases.

Mother and baby,

at the comfort of each other,

close their eyes and rest.

Two hearts beating together.

- end-

I witnessed a birth for the first time a few days ago. It was a new experience.

I wrote this poem for the new mother...

Heat

My pulse is beating rapidly

beads of sweat form on my brow.

my shirt - untucked.

I pick a steel glass of ice water,

and pour it down my shirt.

the water flows down my body,

numbing each part it touches.

I turn up my I tunes player,

a glass of chilled white wine in hand,

I close my eyes,

and let my mind wander,

into a world of unimaginable peace,

free from the world's worries,

free from emotional pain,

free from the unmanageable heat,

and best of all,

free from the workings of my restless mind...

I hear the sound of thunder.

It wakes me.

Time to put on some Rob Thomas and enjoy the rain...

Bernada Alba

I picked up jazz ballet dancing 2 months ago. Just thought I'd get creative and do something totally out of my comfort zone.

I've always loved performing arts, but never really went down the dance route. I would take vocal training classes, write, direct plays & musicals and act. However I never really got into dance. Don't really know why either. I think for some reason, my mind told itself that my body isn't capable of being that flexible.

When I think dance, I think ballet. I think Swanlake, the Nutcracker, the Russians. Then later I start thinking of tap and folk dance, like Riverdance, Cats, Michael Flately-Lord of the Dance. All these dances, when watched, seem like they require so much talent. I put on a dance flick like Shall we dance (my favourite), Save the last dance, and Step Up and I honestly used to believe that those dances are only for people in love (I know, pretty cheesy).

I appreciate dance quite a bit. I love chic flicks, but not as much as a dance chic flick. I could watch ballet alone and not mind that I had no company to watch it with. I watch jazz dancing and feel like twirling around. Yet, I never got into it.

So 2 months ago, I decided I'd learn a dance. So I randomly picked Jazz Ballet. To tell you the truth, I only picked that style up because I saw the word 'CATS' in its description. For those of you who are unaware, I have this goal of being in the next production of cats. I'm learning all the dance moves from Cats and then am going to write to Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and tell him I did so, all this to be in the next production. Off course, I already know all the vocals by heart.

What is jazz ballet?

It is a form of choreography which contains revolutionized ballet styles and movements usually employed for performance purposes. The dances you see in Cats and Chicago, that sorta thing...

Turns out dance has really been working for me. It really makes me relax, and when I'm on the dance floor - I feel like there isn't anyone left in the world but me and my dancing shoes.

I am totally in love with dancing. I'm even more excited as next week, a very good friend of mine, Ashvina Marie will be starring in this spanish musical called 'Bernada Alba'. It involves a lot of flamenco style dancing. Extremely excited. I am this excited not just because it involves dancing but mostly because Ash is in it. It's been a dream for me to see her in a musical in a large and reputable production. My dream is coming true. She is amazing!

Those of you in Malaysia, go watch Bernada Alba.

It's playing in KLPAC next week onwards.

xoxo

Small feet

My feet must have shrunk.

My shoes have miraculously gotten bigger,

the same shoe I bought and fit perfectly just 2 weeks ago.

I always had small feet,

not that I mind off course.

(best size- always available in sales)

It is however worrying me;

that my shoes are getting larger,

or my feet is getting smaller.

I can't decide which one it is.

but I am content with my small feet...

Benefit of the doubt

I got to a point in my life, where I simply can't trust anyone. Definitely influence of being in the legal field.

Golden rule: you CANNOT trust anyone.

Clients tell lawyers their version of the story everyday and the famous line "you can trust me" is used so loosely. In fact this is just an addition to the common misconception that lawyers are liars.Then in court, almost certainly new evidence reveals itself. You then discover the client that you trusted 110% in fact only told you 10% of the REAL story.

Doctors, engineers, teachers, drivers and many others all face this blatant truth.

This isn't just with professional relationships.

You can't trust anyone with anything,

not friends, best friends, lovers, spouses, parents, siblings,

not even priests (don't forget they too are human)

not 100%, not even 80%,

Trust places expectations on something or someone.

Trust raises expectations on something or someone.

You can go on with life telling everybody you trust them,

only to realize the husband who vowed to love you forever, has fallen out of love with you.

only to realize the father you thought was loyal and kind, was in fact screwing your neighbours maid.

only to realize the boyfriend you thought was the one, never felt the same.

only to realize the friends you have, have been back stabbing you.

Trust raises unnecessary expectations. It does no good. All it does is it keeps you in this state of happiness for a short period of time, and when the truth sinks in, it hurts.

When someone says "I trust you", don't get your hopes up. They simply mean they give you the benefit of the doubt.

friends, best friends, parents, siblings, cousins, lovers.

please do not be offended:

I simply don't believe in trust anymore.

It's too much to carry and when it breaks (and it always does)

it hurts bad...

I love you all, not because I don't trust you'll.

I love you all because I simply give you'll the benefit of the doubt that you wont hurt me like I've been hurt before.

So this is my theory :

trust is unnecessary, so don't trust. just give people the benefit of the doubt....

It's been working for me. Also a great way to manage a bad temper.

Take it from a taurus...

toodles!

Under a tuscan sky

"they say they built the train tracks between vienna and venice before there was a train that could make the trip. they built it anyway, they knew one day the train would come."

taken from under a tuscan sun...

a quote thats fit for the new look of this page.

more to come readers...

xoxo

I love...

I love walking through an avenue with trees that let their hands hold each other.

I love the tulips that sit in the beer bottles, they sit by my window.

I love that you love my room.

I love the feeling of the minute before an exam is over.

I love the sound of a classical guitar with French strings.

So tensed, yet so exciting,

Just like the moments I spend with you.

I love doodling on coffee house napkins, leaving my mark behind.

I love chocolates that have a face that smile, they just make me smile.

I love daisies, they are the happiest flowers in the world,

smiling because there is just so much to smile about when there is you.

I love dressing in a suit, putting my hair into a bun.

It puts me in character.

I love that I need my berries and yoghurt in the morning,

and that you always have them at yours.

I love dreaming about things I want to do,

and talking about how they are going to come true,

and I love that you love to dream too.

I love being in photos,

and dressing to make a memory,

especially when they are taken and made by you.

I love listening to a song,

which you know the lyrics to.

And I love it when you try to sing,

you make me want to sing too.

I love reading quotes from people with interesting thoughts.

and I love to quote them in conversations.

I also love that you love to do this too.

I love that I love everything about being with you,

simply because I do.

Into You

I like it when the stars fall
into my eyes
when I gaze at them.

I like it when the waves flow
into my ears
when I listen to them.

I like it when a flower blooms
its scent rubs on my nose
when I smell them.

I like it when a strawberry crushes,
squeezing the taste onto my toungue
as I taste them.

I like it when you look at me,
you look into my eyes,
and you see my soul.

I like it when you touch me,
you touch every bit of me,
leaving me only wanting more...

I like it.

Mixed feelings and some change...

When you break up, it usually means it is time for a change.
I am at a cross road. I am standing there confused as to which direction I should head. So many choices to make, so little time.

There is a path which encompasses the want of a partner. Someone whom wants to care, someone who wants to love, wants to cherish, and most of all who wants to be a witness to my life. Off course, being one from a fresh break up, all these feelings may just be expected from this vulnerable state. But I pause to wonder, if this vulnerability is really just an excuse not to sound so silly. Maybe it is really what my mind is seeking. I am hurt by the break up, and every day I wish it never happened. Every day I wish I could turn back time to when he loved me to bits. Every day I wish I never did anything to hurt him. Every day I wonder if I ever deserved him.

On some days I tell myself I don’t deserve him... and on some days I tell myself, I just have a bruised ego, and I sure as hell am worth more than that, it is him that does not deserve me. It gets me no where except be like a game of ping pong hoping that someone scores a point soon, indicating the choice I make. Right now, it just be nice to have someone, be all that he was to help me get through this vulnerable state.

There is another path which is purely career based. As a lot of you know, I just graduated with a Bachelors in Laws and am going to undertake the Bar Vocational Course this September onwards. Yes, it is pretty much set for me, a career as a Barrister. I like the plan, and I want to be a really good barrister too. Then for those of you who know me well, there is the book to publish, tea house to build, and a glass house, a library, and my zoo. They say when you do really well in your career that is when your personal life becomes pretty much non-existent. Do I really want all that success?

There is the neutral path, which is to lay back and take life a step at a time. I do not like this path, as I love planning ahead. I love dreaming. I have ambitions. I love laying it all down and making it happen. With such a neutral path, I get the temporary distraction. I get only a pinch of paranoia, and I get a chance to get over this break up slowly. I get to make new friends, and enemies. I get to do what I feel like doing without having to think about what he might think. I get to be me. But this path is only a detour. It will eventually leave me to another junction, where I will have to decide between taking either one of the first two paths...

For now, I think I need a bit of change. Mars Chocolate Bar is no longer my favourite chocolate. It is now MnMs with no peanuts. Few more changes will be made. Another major change that will affect a lot of you is my decision to make this blog private for various reasons. I have decided to make it more personal. As a few of you know, I wrote a chic lit, and I wanted to publish it. It was supposed to be for him. I decided I am not going to publish it, but for those of you whom have been long awaited it, I am going to post chapters up slowly, so please do not pester me for not wanting to publish. This is the rough manuscript. Looking up some copyright laws before it goes up to play safe.

Some of you will be personally invited to be a reader of this blog. For those of you who feel that I may not be sending you an invite, and want to be a reader of this blog, do drop a comment on this post, along with an email add (preferably gmail ) and I will see to it, that you get one. This blog will go private sometime early September. Invites will be sent when that happens. Thank you all for reading my blog. I hope it has in some way changed you.

It is time for a change!

Moving on

I finally finished my law degree.
Im home. (or at least it's where my family lives)

It has been so different.
The place looks the same.
Nothings changed.
the billboard still parading the event that took place 3 years ago,
the mamak man still making food in the heat,
the forces still taking bribes,
the heat, still ridiculous.

But now I feel something missing.
Has the world moved on without me?
Did the tiger roar when everyone was sleeping?

Why wont he fight for me?

The one that makes me happy,
now chooses to keep his distance,
and draw his own path on the ground.

Gone are the days when he went out of the way, just to see me.
gone are the days when he did not care about anything, unless if it was about me.
gone are those days....

now everything is different...

and I have to make a decision as to what it is I want to do about it.

As of today, I will return to the UK in exactly 3 months. Yes I booked my ticket today.
I cant stop thinking whether I am worth the fight? coz I would have given up a long time ago....

I cant decide. I dont want to.

sigh.

Tattoo

You are like a tattoo,
I let you in my life,
and the love hurts,
and its impossible to erase you.

and the only way possible,
will hurt me a million times more.

So Ill keep the tattoo and spare the hurt.

I'll do it for you

I feel alone, in a room filled with people.
This feeling of content that I cant seem to locate.
Being away from you,
just makes everything seem worse.

Deep under the moonlit sky,
I dream of kissing you,
the blackened trees shadows
the mystery of the night.

who am I kidding?

you aren't by my side....
though I wish you were...

everday longing to see you fall in love with me,
all over again...

why wont you fall in love with me?
why do you keep doing the things
that you know will drive me away?
why baby, why?

you say you love me...
but baby, do you really mean it?
do you know what love is to me?

what is love to you baby?
is it just a foolish game lovers play?
or is it something with much more responsibility.

I need you to know what you want.
Let's not play pretend.
It's only gonna end up hurting somebody.

I want you.
I want you to know that I want you,
and I wanna love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Im sorry for my shortcomings,
and to make up for it,

I promise to love you,
and to me, the more I fall for you,
the more it helps me become a stronger person.

and baby, I'll do it for you..

This I promise you.

Music speaks and no one listens

I listen to music,
and it speaks to me.
It's telling me a mix of things,
to confuse me.

Music is good.
depending on my mood.
but today it keeps speaking,
of something that I am seeking.

How come it's unfamiliar?
The same song, oh so peculiar?
It seems clear but yet there is depth,
in the meaning it longs to set.

Music speaks and no one listens...
Just like me speaking,
with no listeners...
But you puzzle me as you listen,
but you might just be hearing,
just like the other...

No one listens...

Christmas will be different

It is the christmas season...
what should I expect?

Sometimes I wonder if this year, christmas is going to be different.
Being in a different continent,
different environment,
different friends,
different hopes and expectations,
different ways of living,
different ideals,
different desires,
different goals,

everything so different...
different.

If I was a guardian angel,
I'd send you your one wish,
and that is for me to have a good christmas this year.
The same wish you wish for every year.

This year is gonna be so different,
first christmas without you in a long time...
I dont know what to expect,
maybe I should not expect anything,
that way I might just enjoy every bit that is gonna take place...

But love,
Things are so different for me this christmas,
So maybe it's this year, that will make a difference....

a difference for me,
a difference for you,
and a difference for us...

but maybe not...
I am sorry I cant be there this christmas...

My heart still pains for you everyday...
and I am waiting to be in you arms again,
if you give me that chance....

Im hoping for a different christmas this year...

(oh gosh... Here I go expecting too much again.)

to you my love,
always and forever...

Tulips

I feel like picking tulips today.

It is an amusing feeling. I dont know why I want to do so, but that is what I want to do.

I felt like this since I got your morning message today. The message was unexpected, completely appreciated. It made me feel so much better. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is me knowing that you are thinking about me. It is a truly amazing feeling to hear from you.

One message, and it is enough to make my day. You always do the exact right thing and you put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. It is like my body is attracted to you. Every time it sees you, my face muscles weaken and It forces a smile. My mind is at peace when I hear from you. Desire and passion running through my mind and it craves for you, wanting every bit of you.

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears. You embrace my soul each morning, and touch my soul at night, and today I feel like picking tulips.

Pink tulips.

Hmmmm.

Jitters

11 days more in Malaysia.
Im leaving on a jet plane,
and I dont know when I'll be back again.

I'm starting to feel like I'm leaving behind a huge part of me.
It's a lonesome feeling....
I feel suffocated. I can't Breathe.
My life flashes back at me from time to time.

I don't know what's happening to me.
This is me.
The girl who was, and still is so excited about leaving for the UK.
I'm Nervous.

My bags are already fully packed,
yet I feel like I still have so much more to pack...

Why, oh why am I feeling like this???

Jitters....

Baby,
kiss me and smile for me,
tell me tht you'll wait for me,
hold me like you'll never let me know....

Its so painful, the process of leaving.

Jitters...

The concept of equality is rigid

I've always worked hard for the things I really want.

And I get them...
At least I am satisfied with the results of determination.

I am determined.
Always have been...
I've felt the stress of determination,
the pressure of a willing mind,
and bore a positive attitude.

I've achieved to this end quite a bit.
because like I said,
I've always worked hard for the things I really want.

But now I wonder, If it is all worth it?
If it was ever fair at all?

So many people,
different limitations,
different amount of hard work,
yet all achieve the same outcome...

Why are we made this way?
Some to understand in just a day,
and someone to never understand at all.

Why do people fight for equality,
when no one is equal?

Is equality measured generally?
and if so, then why bother to measure,
yet alone to speak of it?

Life on its own is unequal to everyone.
The only thing that we all have in common,
is the fact that we all dont know when our life will end,
we can only hope, pray, and wonder.
But we will never know for sure....

I am 21 years old,
and I am still determined to do what I want to do.

But I still stop and wonder every now and then,
why I am so determined when the outcome is similar for everyone...

The concept of equality remains rigid.