Mixed feelings and some change...

When you break up, it usually means it is time for a change.
I am at a cross road. I am standing there confused as to which direction I should head. So many choices to make, so little time.

There is a path which encompasses the want of a partner. Someone whom wants to care, someone who wants to love, wants to cherish, and most of all who wants to be a witness to my life. Off course, being one from a fresh break up, all these feelings may just be expected from this vulnerable state. But I pause to wonder, if this vulnerability is really just an excuse not to sound so silly. Maybe it is really what my mind is seeking. I am hurt by the break up, and every day I wish it never happened. Every day I wish I could turn back time to when he loved me to bits. Every day I wish I never did anything to hurt him. Every day I wonder if I ever deserved him.

On some days I tell myself I don’t deserve him... and on some days I tell myself, I just have a bruised ego, and I sure as hell am worth more than that, it is him that does not deserve me. It gets me no where except be like a game of ping pong hoping that someone scores a point soon, indicating the choice I make. Right now, it just be nice to have someone, be all that he was to help me get through this vulnerable state.

There is another path which is purely career based. As a lot of you know, I just graduated with a Bachelors in Laws and am going to undertake the Bar Vocational Course this September onwards. Yes, it is pretty much set for me, a career as a Barrister. I like the plan, and I want to be a really good barrister too. Then for those of you who know me well, there is the book to publish, tea house to build, and a glass house, a library, and my zoo. They say when you do really well in your career that is when your personal life becomes pretty much non-existent. Do I really want all that success?

There is the neutral path, which is to lay back and take life a step at a time. I do not like this path, as I love planning ahead. I love dreaming. I have ambitions. I love laying it all down and making it happen. With such a neutral path, I get the temporary distraction. I get only a pinch of paranoia, and I get a chance to get over this break up slowly. I get to make new friends, and enemies. I get to do what I feel like doing without having to think about what he might think. I get to be me. But this path is only a detour. It will eventually leave me to another junction, where I will have to decide between taking either one of the first two paths...

For now, I think I need a bit of change. Mars Chocolate Bar is no longer my favourite chocolate. It is now MnMs with no peanuts. Few more changes will be made. Another major change that will affect a lot of you is my decision to make this blog private for various reasons. I have decided to make it more personal. As a few of you know, I wrote a chic lit, and I wanted to publish it. It was supposed to be for him. I decided I am not going to publish it, but for those of you whom have been long awaited it, I am going to post chapters up slowly, so please do not pester me for not wanting to publish. This is the rough manuscript. Looking up some copyright laws before it goes up to play safe.

Some of you will be personally invited to be a reader of this blog. For those of you who feel that I may not be sending you an invite, and want to be a reader of this blog, do drop a comment on this post, along with an email add (preferably gmail ) and I will see to it, that you get one. This blog will go private sometime early September. Invites will be sent when that happens. Thank you all for reading my blog. I hope it has in some way changed you.

It is time for a change!

Moving on

I finally finished my law degree.
Im home. (or at least it's where my family lives)

It has been so different.
The place looks the same.
Nothings changed.
the billboard still parading the event that took place 3 years ago,
the mamak man still making food in the heat,
the forces still taking bribes,
the heat, still ridiculous.

But now I feel something missing.
Has the world moved on without me?
Did the tiger roar when everyone was sleeping?

Why wont he fight for me?

The one that makes me happy,
now chooses to keep his distance,
and draw his own path on the ground.

Gone are the days when he went out of the way, just to see me.
gone are the days when he did not care about anything, unless if it was about me.
gone are those days....

now everything is different...

and I have to make a decision as to what it is I want to do about it.

As of today, I will return to the UK in exactly 3 months. Yes I booked my ticket today.
I cant stop thinking whether I am worth the fight? coz I would have given up a long time ago....

I cant decide. I dont want to.

sigh.

Tattoo

You are like a tattoo,
I let you in my life,
and the love hurts,
and its impossible to erase you.

and the only way possible,
will hurt me a million times more.

So Ill keep the tattoo and spare the hurt.

I'll do it for you

I feel alone, in a room filled with people.
This feeling of content that I cant seem to locate.
Being away from you,
just makes everything seem worse.

Deep under the moonlit sky,
I dream of kissing you,
the blackened trees shadows
the mystery of the night.

who am I kidding?

you aren't by my side....
though I wish you were...

everday longing to see you fall in love with me,
all over again...

why wont you fall in love with me?
why do you keep doing the things
that you know will drive me away?
why baby, why?

you say you love me...
but baby, do you really mean it?
do you know what love is to me?

what is love to you baby?
is it just a foolish game lovers play?
or is it something with much more responsibility.

I need you to know what you want.
Let's not play pretend.
It's only gonna end up hurting somebody.

I want you.
I want you to know that I want you,
and I wanna love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Im sorry for my shortcomings,
and to make up for it,

I promise to love you,
and to me, the more I fall for you,
the more it helps me become a stronger person.

and baby, I'll do it for you..

This I promise you.

Music speaks and no one listens

I listen to music,
and it speaks to me.
It's telling me a mix of things,
to confuse me.

Music is good.
depending on my mood.
but today it keeps speaking,
of something that I am seeking.

How come it's unfamiliar?
The same song, oh so peculiar?
It seems clear but yet there is depth,
in the meaning it longs to set.

Music speaks and no one listens...
Just like me speaking,
with no listeners...
But you puzzle me as you listen,
but you might just be hearing,
just like the other...

No one listens...