Bernada Alba

I picked up jazz ballet dancing 2 months ago. Just thought I'd get creative and do something totally out of my comfort zone.

I've always loved performing arts, but never really went down the dance route. I would take vocal training classes, write, direct plays & musicals and act. However I never really got into dance. Don't really know why either. I think for some reason, my mind told itself that my body isn't capable of being that flexible.

When I think dance, I think ballet. I think Swanlake, the Nutcracker, the Russians. Then later I start thinking of tap and folk dance, like Riverdance, Cats, Michael Flately-Lord of the Dance. All these dances, when watched, seem like they require so much talent. I put on a dance flick like Shall we dance (my favourite), Save the last dance, and Step Up and I honestly used to believe that those dances are only for people in love (I know, pretty cheesy).

I appreciate dance quite a bit. I love chic flicks, but not as much as a dance chic flick. I could watch ballet alone and not mind that I had no company to watch it with. I watch jazz dancing and feel like twirling around. Yet, I never got into it.

So 2 months ago, I decided I'd learn a dance. So I randomly picked Jazz Ballet. To tell you the truth, I only picked that style up because I saw the word 'CATS' in its description. For those of you who are unaware, I have this goal of being in the next production of cats. I'm learning all the dance moves from Cats and then am going to write to Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and tell him I did so, all this to be in the next production. Off course, I already know all the vocals by heart.

What is jazz ballet?

It is a form of choreography which contains revolutionized ballet styles and movements usually employed for performance purposes. The dances you see in Cats and Chicago, that sorta thing...

Turns out dance has really been working for me. It really makes me relax, and when I'm on the dance floor - I feel like there isn't anyone left in the world but me and my dancing shoes.

I am totally in love with dancing. I'm even more excited as next week, a very good friend of mine, Ashvina Marie will be starring in this spanish musical called 'Bernada Alba'. It involves a lot of flamenco style dancing. Extremely excited. I am this excited not just because it involves dancing but mostly because Ash is in it. It's been a dream for me to see her in a musical in a large and reputable production. My dream is coming true. She is amazing!

Those of you in Malaysia, go watch Bernada Alba.

It's playing in KLPAC next week onwards.

xoxo

Small feet

My feet must have shrunk.

My shoes have miraculously gotten bigger,

the same shoe I bought and fit perfectly just 2 weeks ago.

I always had small feet,

not that I mind off course.

(best size- always available in sales)

It is however worrying me;

that my shoes are getting larger,

or my feet is getting smaller.

I can't decide which one it is.

but I am content with my small feet...

Benefit of the doubt

I got to a point in my life, where I simply can't trust anyone. Definitely influence of being in the legal field.

Golden rule: you CANNOT trust anyone.

Clients tell lawyers their version of the story everyday and the famous line "you can trust me" is used so loosely. In fact this is just an addition to the common misconception that lawyers are liars.Then in court, almost certainly new evidence reveals itself. You then discover the client that you trusted 110% in fact only told you 10% of the REAL story.

Doctors, engineers, teachers, drivers and many others all face this blatant truth.

This isn't just with professional relationships.

You can't trust anyone with anything,

not friends, best friends, lovers, spouses, parents, siblings,

not even priests (don't forget they too are human)

not 100%, not even 80%,

Trust places expectations on something or someone.

Trust raises expectations on something or someone.

You can go on with life telling everybody you trust them,

only to realize the husband who vowed to love you forever, has fallen out of love with you.

only to realize the father you thought was loyal and kind, was in fact screwing your neighbours maid.

only to realize the boyfriend you thought was the one, never felt the same.

only to realize the friends you have, have been back stabbing you.

Trust raises unnecessary expectations. It does no good. All it does is it keeps you in this state of happiness for a short period of time, and when the truth sinks in, it hurts.

When someone says "I trust you", don't get your hopes up. They simply mean they give you the benefit of the doubt.

friends, best friends, parents, siblings, cousins, lovers.

please do not be offended:

I simply don't believe in trust anymore.

It's too much to carry and when it breaks (and it always does)

it hurts bad...

I love you all, not because I don't trust you'll.

I love you all because I simply give you'll the benefit of the doubt that you wont hurt me like I've been hurt before.

So this is my theory :

trust is unnecessary, so don't trust. just give people the benefit of the doubt....

It's been working for me. Also a great way to manage a bad temper.

Take it from a taurus...

toodles!

Under a tuscan sky

"they say they built the train tracks between vienna and venice before there was a train that could make the trip. they built it anyway, they knew one day the train would come."

taken from under a tuscan sun...

a quote thats fit for the new look of this page.

more to come readers...

xoxo

I love...

I love walking through an avenue with trees that let their hands hold each other.

I love the tulips that sit in the beer bottles, they sit by my window.

I love that you love my room.

I love the feeling of the minute before an exam is over.

I love the sound of a classical guitar with French strings.

So tensed, yet so exciting,

Just like the moments I spend with you.

I love doodling on coffee house napkins, leaving my mark behind.

I love chocolates that have a face that smile, they just make me smile.

I love daisies, they are the happiest flowers in the world,

smiling because there is just so much to smile about when there is you.

I love dressing in a suit, putting my hair into a bun.

It puts me in character.

I love that I need my berries and yoghurt in the morning,

and that you always have them at yours.

I love dreaming about things I want to do,

and talking about how they are going to come true,

and I love that you love to dream too.

I love being in photos,

and dressing to make a memory,

especially when they are taken and made by you.

I love listening to a song,

which you know the lyrics to.

And I love it when you try to sing,

you make me want to sing too.

I love reading quotes from people with interesting thoughts.

and I love to quote them in conversations.

I also love that you love to do this too.

I love that I love everything about being with you,

simply because I do.

Into You

I like it when the stars fall
into my eyes
when I gaze at them.

I like it when the waves flow
into my ears
when I listen to them.

I like it when a flower blooms
its scent rubs on my nose
when I smell them.

I like it when a strawberry crushes,
squeezing the taste onto my toungue
as I taste them.

I like it when you look at me,
you look into my eyes,
and you see my soul.

I like it when you touch me,
you touch every bit of me,
leaving me only wanting more...

I like it.

Mixed feelings and some change...

When you break up, it usually means it is time for a change.
I am at a cross road. I am standing there confused as to which direction I should head. So many choices to make, so little time.

There is a path which encompasses the want of a partner. Someone whom wants to care, someone who wants to love, wants to cherish, and most of all who wants to be a witness to my life. Off course, being one from a fresh break up, all these feelings may just be expected from this vulnerable state. But I pause to wonder, if this vulnerability is really just an excuse not to sound so silly. Maybe it is really what my mind is seeking. I am hurt by the break up, and every day I wish it never happened. Every day I wish I could turn back time to when he loved me to bits. Every day I wish I never did anything to hurt him. Every day I wonder if I ever deserved him.

On some days I tell myself I don’t deserve him... and on some days I tell myself, I just have a bruised ego, and I sure as hell am worth more than that, it is him that does not deserve me. It gets me no where except be like a game of ping pong hoping that someone scores a point soon, indicating the choice I make. Right now, it just be nice to have someone, be all that he was to help me get through this vulnerable state.

There is another path which is purely career based. As a lot of you know, I just graduated with a Bachelors in Laws and am going to undertake the Bar Vocational Course this September onwards. Yes, it is pretty much set for me, a career as a Barrister. I like the plan, and I want to be a really good barrister too. Then for those of you who know me well, there is the book to publish, tea house to build, and a glass house, a library, and my zoo. They say when you do really well in your career that is when your personal life becomes pretty much non-existent. Do I really want all that success?

There is the neutral path, which is to lay back and take life a step at a time. I do not like this path, as I love planning ahead. I love dreaming. I have ambitions. I love laying it all down and making it happen. With such a neutral path, I get the temporary distraction. I get only a pinch of paranoia, and I get a chance to get over this break up slowly. I get to make new friends, and enemies. I get to do what I feel like doing without having to think about what he might think. I get to be me. But this path is only a detour. It will eventually leave me to another junction, where I will have to decide between taking either one of the first two paths...

For now, I think I need a bit of change. Mars Chocolate Bar is no longer my favourite chocolate. It is now MnMs with no peanuts. Few more changes will be made. Another major change that will affect a lot of you is my decision to make this blog private for various reasons. I have decided to make it more personal. As a few of you know, I wrote a chic lit, and I wanted to publish it. It was supposed to be for him. I decided I am not going to publish it, but for those of you whom have been long awaited it, I am going to post chapters up slowly, so please do not pester me for not wanting to publish. This is the rough manuscript. Looking up some copyright laws before it goes up to play safe.

Some of you will be personally invited to be a reader of this blog. For those of you who feel that I may not be sending you an invite, and want to be a reader of this blog, do drop a comment on this post, along with an email add (preferably gmail ) and I will see to it, that you get one. This blog will go private sometime early September. Invites will be sent when that happens. Thank you all for reading my blog. I hope it has in some way changed you.

It is time for a change!