Moving on

I finally finished my law degree.
Im home. (or at least it's where my family lives)

It has been so different.
The place looks the same.
Nothings changed.
the billboard still parading the event that took place 3 years ago,
the mamak man still making food in the heat,
the forces still taking bribes,
the heat, still ridiculous.

But now I feel something missing.
Has the world moved on without me?
Did the tiger roar when everyone was sleeping?

Why wont he fight for me?

The one that makes me happy,
now chooses to keep his distance,
and draw his own path on the ground.

Gone are the days when he went out of the way, just to see me.
gone are the days when he did not care about anything, unless if it was about me.
gone are those days....

now everything is different...

and I have to make a decision as to what it is I want to do about it.

As of today, I will return to the UK in exactly 3 months. Yes I booked my ticket today.
I cant stop thinking whether I am worth the fight? coz I would have given up a long time ago....

I cant decide. I dont want to.

sigh.

Tattoo

You are like a tattoo,
I let you in my life,
and the love hurts,
and its impossible to erase you.

and the only way possible,
will hurt me a million times more.

So Ill keep the tattoo and spare the hurt.

I'll do it for you

I feel alone, in a room filled with people.
This feeling of content that I cant seem to locate.
Being away from you,
just makes everything seem worse.

Deep under the moonlit sky,
I dream of kissing you,
the blackened trees shadows
the mystery of the night.

who am I kidding?

you aren't by my side....
though I wish you were...

everday longing to see you fall in love with me,
all over again...

why wont you fall in love with me?
why do you keep doing the things
that you know will drive me away?
why baby, why?

you say you love me...
but baby, do you really mean it?
do you know what love is to me?

what is love to you baby?
is it just a foolish game lovers play?
or is it something with much more responsibility.

I need you to know what you want.
Let's not play pretend.
It's only gonna end up hurting somebody.

I want you.
I want you to know that I want you,
and I wanna love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Im sorry for my shortcomings,
and to make up for it,

I promise to love you,
and to me, the more I fall for you,
the more it helps me become a stronger person.

and baby, I'll do it for you..

This I promise you.

Music speaks and no one listens

I listen to music,
and it speaks to me.
It's telling me a mix of things,
to confuse me.

Music is good.
depending on my mood.
but today it keeps speaking,
of something that I am seeking.

How come it's unfamiliar?
The same song, oh so peculiar?
It seems clear but yet there is depth,
in the meaning it longs to set.

Music speaks and no one listens...
Just like me speaking,
with no listeners...
But you puzzle me as you listen,
but you might just be hearing,
just like the other...

No one listens...

Christmas will be different

It is the christmas season...
what should I expect?

Sometimes I wonder if this year, christmas is going to be different.
Being in a different continent,
different environment,
different friends,
different hopes and expectations,
different ways of living,
different ideals,
different desires,
different goals,

everything so different...
different.

If I was a guardian angel,
I'd send you your one wish,
and that is for me to have a good christmas this year.
The same wish you wish for every year.

This year is gonna be so different,
first christmas without you in a long time...
I dont know what to expect,
maybe I should not expect anything,
that way I might just enjoy every bit that is gonna take place...

But love,
Things are so different for me this christmas,
So maybe it's this year, that will make a difference....

a difference for me,
a difference for you,
and a difference for us...

but maybe not...
I am sorry I cant be there this christmas...

My heart still pains for you everyday...
and I am waiting to be in you arms again,
if you give me that chance....

Im hoping for a different christmas this year...

(oh gosh... Here I go expecting too much again.)

to you my love,
always and forever...

Tulips

I feel like picking tulips today.

It is an amusing feeling. I dont know why I want to do so, but that is what I want to do.

I felt like this since I got your morning message today. The message was unexpected, completely appreciated. It made me feel so much better. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is me knowing that you are thinking about me. It is a truly amazing feeling to hear from you.

One message, and it is enough to make my day. You always do the exact right thing and you put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. It is like my body is attracted to you. Every time it sees you, my face muscles weaken and It forces a smile. My mind is at peace when I hear from you. Desire and passion running through my mind and it craves for you, wanting every bit of you.

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears. You embrace my soul each morning, and touch my soul at night, and today I feel like picking tulips.

Pink tulips.

Hmmmm.

Jitters

11 days more in Malaysia.
Im leaving on a jet plane,
and I dont know when I'll be back again.

I'm starting to feel like I'm leaving behind a huge part of me.
It's a lonesome feeling....
I feel suffocated. I can't Breathe.
My life flashes back at me from time to time.

I don't know what's happening to me.
This is me.
The girl who was, and still is so excited about leaving for the UK.
I'm Nervous.

My bags are already fully packed,
yet I feel like I still have so much more to pack...

Why, oh why am I feeling like this???

Jitters....

Baby,
kiss me and smile for me,
tell me tht you'll wait for me,
hold me like you'll never let me know....

Its so painful, the process of leaving.

Jitters...